In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium (Lb) - The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium (Bc) - With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium (Eh) - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium (Pc) - Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium (Nt) - Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium (Vp) - Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium (Ps) - Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium (Cb) - Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium (Po) - Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress (Cg) - Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot (Sn) - Bonds forever with corduroy.

Kryptonite (S) - Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does.

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