A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the
monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass he found the following note on his door.
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T]
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
- The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.